Relationship difficulties are among the most common reasons people come to therapy. These challenges can include deep-seated fears of abandonment, difficulty trusting that others will care for us, or feeling that we’re either “too much” or “not enough”.
Such struggles are very common and are often rooted in early attachment experiences. Understanding how our attachment styles develop in response to these early relationships can bring awareness, clarity, and the capacity for change.
What is attachment?
Attachment styles have become a popular topic on social media, but in simple terms, they describe how our earliest relationships shape our expectations and behaviours in close connections.
The four main attachment styles are Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganised. None of these styles are inherently “wrong”, but some patterns of attachment can create more distress in adulthood.
How attachment difficulties show up in adult relationships
People with an anxious attachment style often feel insecure in their relationships. They may seek frequent reassurance that their partner or friends care for them, find it difficult to spend time alone, and are vigilant to signs of rejection or abandonment.
Those with an avoidant attachment style may prefer short-term or casual relationships, pull back when things become too close, or hold potential partners to unrealistically high standards to maintain distance.
Individuals with a disorganised attachment style can feel torn between wanting closeness and fearing it. They might experience intense attraction early on and crave reassurance, but then withdraw as their feelings are reciprocated. Although intimacy is deeply desired, it can feel unsafe or untrustworthy.
Over time, these patterns can create cycles of conflict, loneliness, and dissatisfaction. People with a secure attachment style tend to find relationships more straightforward and satisfying, though they may still seek therapy to navigate challenges, especially when partnered with someone who has attachment difficulties.
Can attachment patterns change?
The good news is that attachment patterns are not fixed. Both therapy and healthy relationships can help you develop more secure ways of relating to others.
Therapy can support you by:
Providing a safe space to explore your attachment style
Developing awareness of your triggers and reactions
Building skills to communicate needs, set boundaries, and tolerate closeness
Offering a secure relationship – the therapeutic connection itself can be reparative and healing
If you recognise yourself in any of these patterns, you are not alone, and help is available. Feel free to enquire about booking a session with one of the therapists at Inner Northern Psychology to explore your attachment style and start creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
